28

Age has a way of creeping up on you.

Twenty-eight finally. (On my 27th birthday, I thought I had turned 28. Lack of sleep can do that to you.) Those numbers feel all grown-up and mature. Wiser. Alas, I am not. 

Most days I feel like a kid trying on her mother's shoes, playing at being an adult. I don't do too bad. I get by and I fool them. I am a child at heart, finding pleasure in the simple things and of simply being. 

Maybe wisdom will creep up as well, with the passing of moments. Surely not with the turn of an earth cycle.

28

Age has a way of creeping up on you.

Twenty-eight finally. (On my 27th birthday, I thought I had turned 28. Lack of sleep can do that to you.) Those numbers feel all grown-up and mature. Wiser. Alas, I am not. 

Most days I feel like a kid trying on her mother's shoes, playing at being an adult. I don't do too bad. I get by and I fool them. I am a child at heart, finding pleasure in the simple things and of simply being. 

Maybe wisdom will creep up as well, with the passing of moments. Surely not with the turn of an earth cycle.

Soul Sisters

It's been more than ten years since we pedaled our bicycles at the crack of dawn and spun dreams from on top of our "fortress" on the plaza as we wait for the day to break. We have grown up and grown a little wiser (I hope). But we are the same girls we were then.

Four hours doesn't seem enough. But in that four hours, we talked about our lives, our loves, our passions, dreams and ambitions, our secret fears and the things we hold in our hearts. We talked about babies and dogs and movies and books and shitty politics and deplorable health care systems, careers, finances, food and travel. We talked about family, old friends and new friends, and of those who have passed on but left indelible marks on our lives.

It's true I have lots of best friends. But these two people, whose differences compliments with mine, and whose sameness forge bonds unbroken by time and distance, are my soul sisters.

Good life

It's a Sunday afternoon and while most sensible people are out enjoying a precious day off, I'm at home wearing my very comfy scrubs-turned-pajamas, tuning in to Spotify while trying to unravel and understand (okay, cram) the intricacies of the autonomic nervous system.

I'm post-call and had spent the wee hours of the morning in the OR for a Bilateral Craniectomy. It sounds cooler than it actually is, given the fact that as a first year anesthesia resident I am mostly just doing anesthesia scutwork.

But as I sit here in my little spot, I think of how lucky I am to be living the good life.

Yes, I work harder than I play, and sleep off my free time. Yes, the hours are bad and the pay is not good. Yes, I have limited time with family and friends and my social life is a joke (but then again, it had always been). Yes, most people my age are living very grown-up lives with grown-up responsibilities while I still carry around huge books and highlighters, forever the student studying for a never-ending series of examinations.

To sum it up, I don't have a life.

But I am happy. Bone deep happy.

I love what I do. I love learning anesthesia. This is what I want to do until I'm too old to do it (which may never happen).

And I feel truly, truly blessed.

Thank You!

It's that time of the year and I'm feeling the year end obligation to revive this blog.

2013 has been a year of grace, and just the fact that both my parents are playing CandyCrush in the living room right now is testimony to that. There are many things I am thankful for and the following list is pitifully inadequate but here it goes in random order (because I'm random and have no sense of priority or importance):

1. Family. Recently, my country was hit by earthquakes and super typhoons. I cannot even begin to describe the devastation and havoc wrought. But to me, selfish as it may seem, the most important thing was that my family was kept safe from harm. 

2. Crazy friends, old and new. 

3. Love. Yes, you. Because you're the only one faithfully following this blog.

4. Getting licensed! (Yipee!) 

5. Career. More on this later. (Maybe a year or so later.)

6. God's presence and grace. I've fallen so many times and I haven't even really gotten back up yet. Not even close. And yet, everyday is proof of His Love. 

--

This 2014, I have only one resolution. Be awesome. 

And that's a wrap because I'm getting sleepy. 

(Maybe I should add resolution #2. Take vitamins daily.)

 

Late Announcement

First of all, I have a long-delayed announcement to make.

I AM NOW A LICENSED PHYSICIAN!!!

The excitement has cooled off a bit. But I can assure you that there was a good amount of screaming. 

There's really nothing more to say except THANK YOU SO MUCH LORD I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!!! 

And of course, now that the reality of the situation has finally hit me in the face, the one million dollar question: WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?

i'm sorry

i'm sorry
you say i say it too much
and mean it not
but i do
more than you'll ever know
and i would say it over
and over and over again
if only it would make a difference
but you say it doesn't.
still i say
i'm sorry.
because there's no other way.
all i have are those words.
i cannot bring back
the times i didn't hold your hand
when you needed me
i was busy
trying to save the world.
i'm sorry.
i didn't change, you see.
i grew up
you didn't change.
and there lies the problem
i needed you
to grow up with me
but it isn't your time yet
and i can no longer
wait for you.
i wish you knew i did my best
that i held on
for all it was worth
but loving you means losing me
and i could not do that
any longer.
i need to be
the person i want to be.
you loved me
when no one else did
and you showed me
how to love
selfishly and selflessly
all at once.
i love you
truly
with all my heart
and i understand
if you think it is a lie.
but i can't hold your hand anymore
you need to grow up now.
and be the man
that i know you can be.
i believe in you.
with all my heart.
i haven't given up on you
and i never will.
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry

Bad Habits Die Hard

I have always gotten by on minimal effort. Of course, my "minimal" effort is somewhat subjective and some people might beg to disagree. I breezed through kindergarten, grade school, high school and to my utter surprise and amazement, college, with the highest honors.

(I am proud to say that I was a nursery drop-out which makes me sound less nerdy and more cool.)

But right now, I am not measuring up to my own standards. Medical school has been an eye opener. And instead of kicking myself in the butt, my own natural tendency to breeze through prevailed. Bad habits die hard.

I fail at being obsessive compulsive. I honestly wish I were. (Just a wee bit. Not enough to be classified mental.)

I still managed to get really good grades. But they weren't excellent. At least by my own standards.

Board exam is in twelve days and I have spent the weekend doing "constructive relaxation". I need to shake myself by the scruff of my neck and yell in my ear, "Get to work, Lazybones! There's a chance you're going to fail. Don't be arrogant!"

Ok. Back to work.