Thank You!

It's that time of the year and I'm feeling the year end obligation to revive this blog.

2013 has been a year of grace, and just the fact that both my parents are playing CandyCrush in the living room right now is testimony to that. There are many things I am thankful for and the following list is pitifully inadequate but here it goes in random order (because I'm random and have no sense of priority or importance):

1. Family. Recently, my country was hit by earthquakes and super typhoons. I cannot even begin to describe the devastation and havoc wrought. But to me, selfish as it may seem, the most important thing was that my family was kept safe from harm. 

2. Crazy friends, old and new. 

3. Love. Yes, you. Because you're the only one faithfully following this blog.

4. Getting licensed! (Yipee!) 

5. Career. More on this later. (Maybe a year or so later.)

6. God's presence and grace. I've fallen so many times and I haven't even really gotten back up yet. Not even close. And yet, everyday is proof of His Love. 

--

This 2014, I have only one resolution. Be awesome. 

And that's a wrap because I'm getting sleepy. 

(Maybe I should add resolution #2. Take vitamins daily.)

 

Late Announcement

First of all, I have a long-delayed announcement to make.

I AM NOW A LICENSED PHYSICIAN!!!

The excitement has cooled off a bit. But I can assure you that there was a good amount of screaming. 

There's really nothing more to say except THANK YOU SO MUCH LORD I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!!! 

And of course, now that the reality of the situation has finally hit me in the face, the one million dollar question: WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?

i'm sorry

i'm sorry
you say i say it too much
and mean it not
but i do
more than you'll ever know
and i would say it over
and over and over again
if only it would make a difference
but you say it doesn't.
still i say
i'm sorry.
because there's no other way.
all i have are those words.
i cannot bring back
the times i didn't hold your hand
when you needed me
i was busy
trying to save the world.
i'm sorry.
i didn't change, you see.
i grew up
you didn't change.
and there lies the problem
i needed you
to grow up with me
but it isn't your time yet
and i can no longer
wait for you.
i wish you knew i did my best
that i held on
for all it was worth
but loving you means losing me
and i could not do that
any longer.
i need to be
the person i want to be.
you loved me
when no one else did
and you showed me
how to love
selfishly and selflessly
all at once.
i love you
truly
with all my heart
and i understand
if you think it is a lie.
but i can't hold your hand anymore
you need to grow up now.
and be the man
that i know you can be.
i believe in you.
with all my heart.
i haven't given up on you
and i never will.
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry

Bad Habits Die Hard

I have always gotten by on minimal effort. Of course, my "minimal" effort is somewhat subjective and some people might beg to disagree. I breezed through kindergarten, grade school, high school and to my utter surprise and amazement, college, with the highest honors.

(I am proud to say that I was a nursery drop-out which makes me sound less nerdy and more cool.)

But right now, I am not measuring up to my own standards. Medical school has been an eye opener. And instead of kicking myself in the butt, my own natural tendency to breeze through prevailed. Bad habits die hard.

I fail at being obsessive compulsive. I honestly wish I were. (Just a wee bit. Not enough to be classified mental.)

I still managed to get really good grades. But they weren't excellent. At least by my own standards.

Board exam is in twelve days and I have spent the weekend doing "constructive relaxation". I need to shake myself by the scruff of my neck and yell in my ear, "Get to work, Lazybones! There's a chance you're going to fail. Don't be arrogant!"

Ok. Back to work.

Eighteen

I was born on the eighteenth of February. So needless to say, eighteen is my favorite number. That goes without saying. It's a natural law, like gravity.

Eighteen.

Eighteen days till the Physician Licensure Exam. 

I am so scared right now. I look back on all that I have accomplished and it seems so little. Practically nothing. I am overwhelmed by my inadequacies, burdened by the expectations, hope and faith that people seem to have mistakenly placed upon me. 

I am inadequate. I am weak. I am in sheer panic mode.

Eighteen days. 

And then I re-read my whole blog this morning. (And I regret that I wrote so little.)

I was reminded of the girl I was and given a glimpse of the woman I am becoming. I look back on all the events that have led me to this point in my life. And I am filled with an amazing sense of gratitude.

I remember the little girl who played tongue depressors and empty syringes in the hospital, and thought that the "I Love Roche" sticker on the wall was talking about her family and not about a big pharmaceutical company. I remember the stubborn, talkative little girl who decided to be a doctor when she was in kindergarten. 

I remember the girl who in her last year of grade school, wrote a composition about what she would be in ten years' time. A doctor.

I remember the high school girl who opened an Atlas of the Human Anatomy in the library and tried memorizing the bones making up the skull, thinking that one day, she would master everything in that book and be an amazing doctor.

I remember this girl who was worried because they didn't have enough money for medical school, so she took up nursing "just in case" her dreams couldn't come true. I remember her frustrations because she got so scared during practical exams that her hands would shake while extracting distilled water from a vial. I remember how proud she was when her Anatomy teacher told her she was a very smart kid when she almost got perfect in his exam.

I remember how happy she was when she graduated with honors and made her parents proud. I remember the anxiety of taking the nursing board exam, the anguish of waiting for the result and the indescribable relief and pride when she called her parents and told them that she not only passed, she did so with flying colors.

And then she was granted her dream. She was given the chance to take up medicine. And so came the excitement and rush and agonies of medical school and internship. She remembers the sleepless nights studying and all the hard work which didn't seem to make any difference.  She remembers Cherry Berry, the baby with the Prune Belly Syndrome she spent so many sleepless nights monitoring, and how she cried when the baby died because her parents decided to unhook the ventilator because they couldn't afford to anymore. She remembers the IV drug abuser who screamed for pain relief while she helplessly tried to locate an IV site for his pain reliever. She hoped she had been a better intern for him, for all of them, and that one day she would be a better doctor for those who would need her.

My journey didn't begin in medical school. It began such a long time ago. And in every step of the way, I was guided. I was so spectacularly blessed in so many ways.

I have my family. I have the best and most supportive parents in the whole world, who have provided me with everything I could ever need. I have the best, craziest friends who are panicking with me at this very moment. I have superman for a mentor, and I couldn't possibly ask for a more amazing doctor to guide me at this critical moment in my life.

And just when I was at a very low point, help came unexpectedly.

Now I see so clearly, that I haven't been abandoned. That I am not fighting this alone. That though I have failed Him so many times, He would never fail me.

I am blessed. I am so full of gratitude. My cup overflows.

Eighteen days till the board exam. I have spent a sleepless night. But not in vain, because I found that I have everyone I love on my side. 

So bring it on! I'm not going down without a fight. 

1001

I think a thousand and one days is enough.

This Feeling

It's five in the morning and I'm not sure if the frequent trips to the comfort room is because of all the ice cream and chocolate I've been gorging on or because of barely restrained panic. I suppose it's both.

So the OSCE (Objective Structured Comprehensive Examination is just a few hours away and since there's nobody here to tell me so, then I'm going to say it to myself.

"I told you so!"

Shouldn't have wasted my precious "previous off" on sleep and Big Bang Series marathon. There's no use for crying over spilled milk, too, because every spare amount of neuron is being used for cramming instead of feeling sorry for myself.

I will feel sorry for myself later... While driving around in our new Toyota Vios! (I am so excited! Yeyers!)

Okay. So at the very least, my only consolation is that this is not the BIG EXAMS. There's still hope for a Chronic Procrastinator like me.

And I sincerely hope that on the morning of the BIG BOARD EXAMS, I won't be feeling quite as helpless and hopeless as this.

Random Thought

I am a multitasker.

Which is a more intellectual way of saying "I'm too scatterbrained to focus on doing one thing".

You can do this, brain!

Result for February 2013 Physician Licensure Exam recently came out. We're next in line. I'm not nervous at all. But there is this funny feeling that seems to be permanently lodged at the pit of my stomach.

Where did the eight months of PGIship freaking go?

On a lighter note, we have the Super-Comprehensive-Year-end exams looming over the short-term horizon. And needless to say, I'm not prepared.

:)