24

Twenty four oceans

Twenty four skies

Twenty four failures

Twenty four tries

Twenty four finds me

In twenty-fourth place

Twenty four drop outs

At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was

Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong

With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out

When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices

With twenty four hearts

With all of my symphonies

In twenty four parts

But I wan to be one today

Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change

Wrestled the angel, for more than a name

For more than a feeling

For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me

Twenty four voices

With twenty four hearts

With all of my symphonies

In twenty four parts.

I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Hell Weeks Day 10: Post-Practical Exam Blues

I have come to the conclusion that someday, I'm going to cause some serious harm to an unsuspecting, vulnerable patient. The depth of my ignorance appalls me. This is one of those moments wherein I seriously contemplate the direction my life is heading.

Ugh.

I really want to hit my head against the wall.

Stupid. Stupid. STUPID.

Ice cream

Studying ECG Interpretation while eating ice cream. Not exactly the perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day. But at least I'm doing something heart-related. And I have ice cream.

<3

Valentines Day

A few days before Valentines, one year ago, a boy asked me out. This was totally unexpected for I had never been asked out on Valentines day. I was in a bit of a fluster, naturally.

Questions ran through my head. Did this boy like me? Or was this just a friendly dinner between two friends and it just happened to be Valentines that Sunday? Or did he just want to spy on the girl he secretly liked and that was why he wanted me along for decoy?

I could have spared myself the anxiety because on the day itself, an hour or so after I bought a new T-shirt because I had nothing casual and decent to wear... a few hours before the actual date, he cancelled.

I was actually a bit angry and slightly embarrassed for looking forward to the evening, but I graciously accepted that he couldn't make it because HIS MOTHER WASHED THE PANTS HE WAS GOING TO WEAR BY ACCIDENT AND HE HAD NOTHING TO WEAR.

I think if he had come up with a better excuse, I would have been less miffed.

So I ended up having dinner with my bestfriend because her date had ended quite early. We talked about it and had a good laugh. And then he texted, asking where we were and all, and if he could join us.

So we ended up together on Valentines day after all. The three of us went to IT park and talked about nothing in particular and star-gazed and had a good laugh at a lot of things. And thus ended Valentines day, 2010.

What struck me most that night, was the fact that although I had every right to be angry with that boy, I wasn't. Not one bit. I probably already loved him then already.

To the boy who backed out on Valentines Day, 2010, Happy Hearts Day! I love you much.

<3

***

Day 253

Eureka

Eureka moments are those crystal clear insights and revelations that come like lightning on a sunny day. And when they hit, they hit hard.

I want to be an anesthesiologist. From out-of-the-blue, that thought came. Unbidden. Unexpected. Totally off-track. Crazy. Perhaps it has been smouldering in the hazy areas in my head, forming slowly, bidding it's time.

When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a pediatrician. And then came Grey's Anatomy and I wanted to be a surgeon. Then for the past few years, I decided on a career on Internal Medicine, Cardiology in particular. Invasive Cardiology. I have never, ever, considered going into anesthesiology. Never. Not until that Eureka moment, two days ago.

So I may have been influenced by one of my favorite fictional character, Arase, the brilliant anesthesiologist of Iryu Team Medical Dragon, and my favorite blogger, Michelle Au, who revealed that anesthesiologists get to wear scrub suits to work everyday. Is that not the coolest thing ever?

I could picture out Mama rolling her eyes when I told her over the phone. My father was skeptic. Bo was supportive. My sister said it was a great idea because anesthesiologists earn a lot of money. *insert me rolling my eyes*

For the record, I'm not in it for the money, although I'd appreciate the bucks when they come. I need to feed my future family, after all, and have extra cash to buy all the books I want to read.

Why anesthesiology? Because, for a klutzy, timid, no-guts person like yours truly, the idea of being able to do all the cool things like intubating and sticking needles into people's spines and keeping them alive throughout the operation, is both amazing and fulfilling.

I may sound superficial but I'm not really. Anesthesiology has got my blood singing. For the first time in a long while, I am excited again. And that "What the heck am I doing in med school?" feeling is gone. Anesthesiology is an incredibly challenging, demanding field. And that's what I want to do for the next thirty years or so of my life. (Aside from all the other important stuff like having a family and working on my au sem mau and salto and mariposa.)

Good luck to me!

<3

Marinheiro

Dear Marinheiro,

I don't even know how to begin. Even until now, it doesn't make sense. How you, who loved life to the fullest, is no longer with us. And yet, we see you always. In every brown butterfly, in every ambulance, in every patient, in every roda, in every smiling face.

You carried the world on your young shoulders. But you carried the sun with you as well. And everywhere you went, you spread the sunshine, made lifelong friends, touched people's hearts, and forever changed their lives.

I never had the chance to get to know you well. That I regret deeply. And yet, for some reason only God can comprehend, I whom you barely knew, who wasn't even supposed to be there, was at your side, when you breathed your last.

I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Forgive us. We are haunted still, by if-only and what-could-have-been. And we still wonder why. Why your life was cut short by such a tragic end.

We thank you for your friendship. For the laughter shared. For the good times and the bad times. For forgiveness.

You are with us still. Always. In our hearts.

Farewell, dear friend. Farewell, Marininho. You have sailed away and we cannot follow. One day we will all meet again. And we hope to see you at the other side of the shore, waiting.

Rest in peace.

PS. Wa ko ka-attend sa imo roda ug sa imo birthday party. Ge lang. Roda ug party2x nya ta tanan didto someday. Pero unta dugay pa. Hehehe. Peace!

Hell Week Day 2 (Post-exam)

It's Day 2 and I am drained. All I want to do is sleep.

**

Hell Week Updates:
Number of Exams Taken: 2
Number of Boxes Shaded Today: 120
Total Number of Boxes Shaded: 170
Number of Exams Waiting:20

<3

Facebook

My great-grandmother has a Facebook account. In all probability, she wasn't the one who created it. But still! Having your great-grandmother on Facebook is way, way cool.

<3

Hell Week Day 2 (Pre-exam)

Fell asleep around midnight and could not even recall if I even tried setting the alarm clock. I think not. It was on of those 5-minute naps which lasts for definitely MORE than 5 minutes.

Got stuck in the reproductive system. And I haven't even begun studying/cramming/reading-through-past-testpapers for the three other modules.

All I can say for now is that it is pointless getting angry with your own body for knowing what's good for it.

*back to cramming*

<3

Hell Week Day 1

Today's accomplishment consists of shading 50 small, rectangular boxes for the last Module Quiz ever. To show how serious I was, I even bought a new pencil.

I don't want to think how many more small, rectangular boxes are yet to be shaded.

Tomorrow, we start with the Block Finals. Block Six consists of 4 modules: Reproductive System (6 cases), Endocrine system (4 cases), Neonatology (4 cases) and Connective Tissue Diseases (3 cases). And of course, there's the countless lectures in powerpoint format to read through. All of these, I have to cram inside my head for the next 14 hours.

It's a Herculean task. If I had started studying a few weeks back, maybe it would have been easier. But the thing is, a few weeks back, I had a lot on my plate. There's never a dull moment in medschool.

The reality of the situation is, it is NOT remotely possible for me to read and retain everything with the remaining time that I have. It's not remotely possible for anyone. Our last resort is photocopying the Block 6 Final exams for the last three years, run through the questions, check our books for stuff we have forgotten, and keep our fingers crossed in the hopes that some questions get repeated.

I really have to do well for the next three weeks. I barely have a glimmer of hope when it comes to bagging that scholarship. But then, I must not give up. Miracles still happen.

Besides, I must become an intern in April so that I'd get to wear that much-coveted pleated white intern skirt (cheerleader skirt)!

<3

***

Hell Week Updates:
Number of Exams Taken: 1
Number of Boxes Shaded: 50
Number of Exams Waiting:21

8th

I was so busy cramming for all my life is worth that I didn't notice the date. He didn't either. Not until he finally noticed those very significant numbers on his computer screen. I didn't until he told me.

We fought just a few hours ago. Personal differences. And with his cellular phone busted, communication is extremely difficult. (How in the world did people manage in the pre-cellular phone era??)

But the thing about us is that we have never fought or stayed mad at each other for more than 24 hours. And that's one of the best things and the reason why at 8 months, with all the drama and parental conflict and long distance issues and personal differences, we are still together.

I love you, Mama Deer. Happy 8th! We've got a few thousand more days to go but we're getting there.

xoxo,

Papa Deer

<3

Countdown: 247 days down, 3405 days to go

The Day Before Hell Weeks

To sum it all up in one word: Overwhelmed.

I'd like to start ranting about Hell Weeks, about how sadistic the one who made the schedule of exams is, how absolutely impossible it is to study everything, how there seems no point in the whole thing because how can there be learning when they don't even give us an adequate amount of time to study, and all that.

But ranting's counter-productive and I don't have time for that so I'll just let them off for now. Maybe I'll post-Hell Weeks rant or something.

I don't know where to begin. So okay, the fact that I'm terribly disorganized has something to do with that. If I had organized all my stuff, studied a little bit before things got out of hand, I wouldn't be panicking. But that's wasted milk. Bridge under the water. I have no time for regrets.

In fact, I have no time to even blog. But I just have to let off a little bit of steam and clear the cobwebs in my head before I start focusing.

No, I'm not procrastinating.

Well, maybe just a little.

<3

At This Point

Yesterday, we had our very last SGD (small group discussion). Starting Monday, we will be going through what we call "Hell Weeks". That is, three weeks of non-stop examinations. The Finals of all Finals.

We were pretty sentimental yesterday. Pictures galore!

But now, a day after, when I'm home and trying to study for my first exam on Monday, I try to really think about the implications of all these.

Our years of formal schooling ended yesterday.

No more SGDs. No more first five jumps (where we get trigger cases and brainstorm and come up with problems & hypotheses & learning goals), no more task sheets and division of tasks (technically, we were not allowed to do that and were expected to READ EVERYTHING but that is so unrealistic) no more cramming & reading our tasks two hours before the Synthesis (where we do the reporting), no more spending for acetates or writing on the whiteboard when we were on a low budget, no more concept maps and no more SGD preceptors.

What it all means, actually, is that at this point in time, medical school has taught us all it could. At this point in time, we should have learned all that we could. And that leaves me with a very important question.

What have I learned?

So... ummm... hmmm... That's an interesting question.

My follow-up question is: What in the world have I been doing the past three years????

After Hell Weeks, we have a month of reprieve, and then we go into the Pit. Namely, the hospital. The real world arena of medicine. We'll be interns! We'll be responsible for and taking care of REAL PATIENTS. We'll be part of a medical team.

Am I prepared for that??

Well, I better be.

To my classmates, future colleagues, and the reason for my sanity & insanity, the best years are still to come. Thank you for the memories.

:)