First Day Jitters: Omigosh Internship!

When I was a kid, I get really excited about the first day of school. The excitement wears off by the second day. But the night before the very first Monday, I become insomniac.

It's hard to go to sleep when I'm thinking who my classmates were going to be that year, if I'd be sharing the same room with my crush this year, etc, etc. I also get excited about boring stuff like my new shoes and my new uniform and all that. Heck! I'd even get excited over my new notebooks!

This year, it's going to be different. Way, way different.

This will be my very, very last year of school. And not only that, I'm going to be a medical intern! And so maybe that's why I'm getting that funny, jittery feeling nine days earlier than usual.

I'm excited about a lot of new things. About my new groupmates. About my new responsibilities. The fact that I'll be able to participate in patient care and not just bluff about it so that I could pass a written history and physical exam to my preceptor. Stuff like that.

I'm also terribly anxious. In fact, I might even start going into a very, very mild panic.

Why? Because I'm going to be a medical intern. I don't feel the very, very least bit prepared. I don't know enough. And that makes me scared. Because what if I make some really stupid mistakes. Or what if an attending asks me a really simple question and I CAN'T ANSWER IT. Those are really valid fears.

But. Well, I read from a book written by a wise person, that perfect love conquers fears. And so instead of focusing on my fears, I'm going to focus on love. I'm going to focus on why I chose to go into this physically, emotionally and spiritually taxing field. I'm going to focus on the fact that I love being a doctor. That I love diagnostic challenges. That I love learning. I even like sticking needles into people's veins (although that kind of sounds sadistic). That I actually like being around sick people and my greatest dreams involve helping people get better.

I know it won't be easy. I'd probably wish I'd taken up Journalism or Interior Designing a million times in the near future. I'll probably cry a lot. I'll probably make a gazillion mistakes. I'll probably feel like hitting my head on the wall a lot... or wish the earth would open up and swallow me.

But then I'll probably also make a patient smile. Or get a right answer every once in a while. And maybe I'll finally stop feeling so scared of doing IV insertions. I'll hear a newborn baby's cry. And I'll probably be there when a person breathes his/her last.

It will all be terrible and wonderful and amazing all at the same time.

:)